Look, I’ve played enough Crusader Kings II to know that what’s proposed in this article isn’t that far off the mark. If anything, it doesn’t go radical enough. I’ve learned in my many hours of hands-on experience as the ruler of great European and Islamic states in the Middle Ages that you can in fact change the ethnicity of swathes of the globe in the span of a few decades. Anyone who says otherwise is just a cuck who’s scared of doing what needs to be done. What was proposed is entirely feasible and also desirable since there are no restraints against me doing it, either practically or morally. Everyone who disputes this will die eventually anyway and since the winners write history I don’t have to worry about it.
So without further ado, I am proud to present The Video Game Guide to Ethnic Cleansing:
Step 1: Getting Started, or Buying Your First Estate
You need to be strategic about this. If you go for a big, strong country you are going to have to deal with a lot of rivals and internal enemies, and you aren’t ready to handle that yet. Start with a small or medium-sized state, such as one of the independent rulers in Ireland. Besides, it’s more of a challenge to conquer, convert, and colonize if you’re a smaller country. And there’s no challenge quite like genociding literally everyone outside of your ethnic group. Painting the world red is a lot more impressive if you beat the odds.
Step 2: Everything is Your Rightful Clay, Even the Deed to Your Neighbor’s Entire Country
Listen, if you don’t believe the counties of Argyll, Galloway, and Dublin are integral parts of the Duchy of Ulster, no one else will either. Neighboring countries might think they have some sort of right to exist—owing to their continuity over time and peaceful relations with you—but that’s really just bullshit and I want to conquer the world. So send your chancellor over to Scotland or Wales or whatever and have him come up with some legalese that says you’ve always been the Duke of Cornwall and give that guy what’s coming to him. While you’re at it, try to make sure you kids are descended from important people in other countries, so that you can invade them later on the grounds that we wuz kangz at some point in our family tree. This is a completely foolproof plan. You never need more justification to conquer something other than you simply thinking you should be able to. That’s what happened in the ancient, medieval, and modern eras and literally nothing has changed since then in the system of international relations or public opinion and mōrēs.
Step 3: Press 1 for Irish, 2 for Andalusian, or 3 for German
Depending on how you got all that new land, you may or may not have an ethnically homogeneous chain of command, let alone an ethnically homogeneous country. You need to fix that and you’ve got to do it quickly. Make sure the heirs of your vassals are educated to be proper members of your race and not as barbarian Frenchmen or Anglo-Saxons. That way, their lands—ahem, your lands—pass into the hands of your people, and their subjects—I mean your subjects—follow their leader and assimilate into your tribe. No one will ever suspect that French was spoken in Bourbon, Champagne, or Burgundy after a half-century of Hibernian supremacy.
Now, you may find that the indigenes or their rulers prove to be intractable in becoming proper members of your race. That’s fine too. Just bait them into revolting so you can crush their armies and execute their traitorous “leaders,” thereby entitling you to seize the titles to their land and parcel them out to loyal members of your in-group. They had no right to revolt anyway since you were their king and people who disagree with you aren’t really people. Removing them from power in turn gets you back on track to converting the provincial populations into your ethnic group, now that their newly-minted leaders are of your tribe.
Step 4: Total [Insert Ethnic Group Here] Victory
After a few decades of having your people rule over the foreign country you just violently conquered and wrested from its local rulers, the common folk will either adopt your ethnicity or be purged via war or scripted events in the game’s engine. So really if you think about it, the only thing stopping you from getting rid of everyone in the known world but your in-group is you not pushing for that to happen. And getting that to happen and everyone to go along with it is totally fine and you won’t face massive internal and external opposition to world genocide on any grounds whatsoever. And remember, if you don’t believe in purging the entire planet you don’t really understand evolution, the JQ, or what interwar German political scientists really thought. And look, just because you sound like the literal caricature of what your opponents claim nationalism is about doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be the literal caricature of what your opponents claim nationalism is about.
Results like these can be yours; you just need to follow the guidelines above and you’ll be well on your way to eliminating entire nations from the roll of history. A word of warning though: your results may vary. But remember, if you really fuck things up and have the entire world at war with you and revolts in half your empire, you can always reload from an earlier save.
All your Ostland are belong to us:
Spain? Never heard of it. You must mean West Italy:
Really changes the meaning of the phrase Armenian genocide:
So what are you waiting for? Marry your sister off to the brother of the ruler of Canada and then have her son depose his son. Then replace all of Canada with Australians. Actually, maybe we should do that.
Author’s note: All the Alt-Right really wants is ethnics in video game journalism.